I think so.
I've been paying attention to our dog and cat and they've been focused on my husband,
I wanted to post this yesterday, on Father's Day, but my computer had a difference of opinion.
Father's Day seems to have significant meaning in our lives, it seems.
On Father's Day, nineteen years ago, our first child was born. A boy, named after my husband. The biggest memory I have is that my husband never left my side during the entire time I was in labor. Even though I was not a "young" mother, I was still scared to death by the labor pains and the fact that I couldn't grasp the idea that this huge baby in my belly relied on me to get him out. Even though the tremendous stress of feeling like I was all alone in birthing a child, my wonderful husband held my hand the entire time and encouraged me taking away some of that stress. I wasn't alone.
After our son was born, I'd joke for him not expect a better gift next year because giving him a son was probably the best I can do for a Father's Day present.
Last year on Father's Day, he woke up with what started out feeling like a stomach ache but soon progressed to full out pain in his side. For a man, who never complained before, I knew this was something that we needed to pay attention to. By midday, we were at the Urgent care and they sent us to the ER. By early evening we had a diagnosis, he had a bad gall bladder that probably needed to be removed.
A year later, this Father's Day, we are dealing with inoperable Pancreatic Cancer. I am refusing to believe that the best Father's day my husband will ever have was 19 years ago. We will endure this next journey together. He won't be alone.
My wish is for next year's Father's Day where we can look back on this year and have the gift that he is a cancer survivor.
Saturday was a good day! I knew when I woke up, the day was going to be a busy one and the only thing that I hoped for was that my hubby would endure it well.
And he did.
His siblings came from out of town, and joined the rest of his family (already here in town) and came over for an impromtu visit. They were kind enough to bring the entire "party" (all of the food and drinks) with them and we sat around the table and talked for hours, while the teenagers played video games upstairs. This is a typical Italian/Irish gathering for me for more than two decades. Some things never change.
I'd look over at hubby often to see if he was just putting on a brave a face during the visit, but he seemed okay. He did well. He was not in a lot of pain or discomfort. I later learned that he was taking rx pain meds two at a time every four hours so the pain never got out of hand.
He even managed to eat a bit-not a lot-but something. Always a good sign.
In other words, he was on his best behavior and I know that his siblings enjoyed seeing him be "normal".
Later that evening, we ALL attended my youngest son's last baseball game and it seemed the perfect ending to the day.
Inoperable Pancreatic Cancer is the diagnosis.
We wake up this morning, both hopeful and dreading the day.
Dreading the day because we know that there is nothing to change what we currently know right this minute.
Hopeful because...well you gotta have hope, right?
We wait for the oncologist to call so that we have a plan for chemo and radiation planned out.
Did you know that one of the signs that there is trouble ahead is that you can turn "yellow"?
I keep racking my mind wondering if there was a point that he was yellow and I missed it?
I keep repeating the diagnosis inside my head and I almost laugh because it sounds so ludicrous.
This can't be happening.
A dear friend of mine once told me that it only takes one doctor's appointment to change your life and turn it upside down.She was right.
My husband has a large gall stone, that he's been dealing with for almost a year. I'm proud to say that with careful control over what he eats he's been symptom free for about eight months. When his symptoms slowly started up again and gradually became worse, we knew that it was time to lose the gall bladder. Why keep it? It no longer worked.
He was starting to lose weight (fast) but we assumed it was because he had cut down on eating. You see, when he doesn't eat, he's not in much pain. And the pain was preventing him from sitting for long and forget about lying down which he wasn't sleeping at night and often took naps through out the day.
This was different because he doesn't complain of pain-ever and he is NOT a nap taker.
When he passed out at a party, we continued with the assumptions that "well, he's not eating, so it's from that."
Easy outpatient Gall bladder surgery, they told us. So we scheduled it for this week. We were looking forward to yanking that bad boy out so that he would finally be on the road to recovery. We planned to order a Nanci's Chicago Style pizza the next week to celebrate.
Our doctor had a gut feeling that maybe something more might be going on because she told us that he was just too sick for it to be only his gall bladder and she scheduled a CT scan with contrast.
Earlier this week, the day before gall bladder surgery, our doctor called and told us to come in because she had the results from the scan.
I suspected that this might not be a good thing and I was right.
She told us that she cancelled surgery for the following day because even though he has a bad Gall bladder the mass on his pancreas looks like cancer. In otherwords, he had bigger problems to deal with.
She told us that we needed to see a pancreas specialist surgeon ASAP.
My world turned completely upside down.
I will admit that I am so scared right now that it's hard to think positive, but I know that I need to do that.
When something like this happens no appointment comes fast enough. Specialized surgeons are busy people and their schedules are set up to see patients once maybe twice a week and the other days are set to do surgeries. I understand this but I don't have to like it.
Tomorrow we have two different appointments and one is for a biopsy.
We are either going to get some promising news or it's going to be our worse fears come true.
There used to be a time when looking for a job, one merely walking into a business near you and simply ask if they were hiring. If the answer was yes, you'd be given a paper application to either fill out right there in the store or you could take it back later. Sometimes the boss would interview you on the spot or call you in a couple days later.Some times one might see a paper sign in the window merely saying "NOW HIRING".
Back in those days, I usually got the job applied for.
I have discovered over the past several weeks I must have fell through a time travel portal because this tried and true method no longer exist. What I'm told now is, "Yeah, I think we might be hiring but you have to apply online." Wicked, evil words if I ever heard them.
When someone tells you this just automatically assume it's a trick. Why? Because this is what happens....
1. You go online, find the store you wish to "apply" for, search their careers section and upon finding what you "think" you want to apply (because you now realize that the sales rep didn't actually TELL you what jobs they "might" be hiring for) you happily begin filling out the application.
2. As you're filling out the application with basic information you realize that something just doesn't look right. But It must be because you are filling out "their" application on "their" website, right? Wrong.
3. Some where along the filling out process you've been cleverly redirected to a college information page.
4. You continue filling out the required information because non observant me thinks it must be part of the application process.
5. A few more pages in, you now know that you are NOT filling out an application for the job you set out to apply for. So if you're convinced that you've been bamboozled. You're right. You are now filling our an application for a job board that will, very soon, start recommending jobs that you are not qualified to have; Nurses, Welders, Accountants, Insurance sales Rep.You get to a spot that just is no longer looking like it belongs to the company your doing this for and YOU"RE Right.
6. Frustrated by the fact that I've spent 15 minutes filling out something that doesn't belong to the place I started. I give up and start a new application process because clearly I missed something important. So back to the basic information I go and while paying close attention this time I see the tiny print at the bottom that gives you a "No Thank you" pass to hear about college A, B and C. Whew. So now I'm cruising, as I make it to the next page and complete same, I get to the bottom that wants you to check the box to hear about college opportunities.
I don't. I don't care to hear about college opportunity. I care to hear about my chances landing this job and All I want to do if fill out this freaking application. I click next and it tells me I must click the box for college information before continuing.
This just seems wrong to me. This feels like we're going to cram this down your throat whether you like it not. I don't.
If I was interested in going back to college for any other degree, wouldn't I simply go directly to the colleges websites? Wouldn't I fill out THEIR application?
Why is all of this extra blubber in my way? I know the answer to this question. The hiring companies now farm out their hiring process to other companies and these other companies must make promises to their promoters to push their agenda for money.
Plus I am now convince they use this system to weed out the dinosaurs lik